I’m sitting alone in my garage, listening to showtunes, while resting from tidying up the basement, revealing my foosball table, a relic from my 10th birthday. A gift I have used over the years but not enough. Cleaning it, I thought “What a bachelor I was aiming to be at 10!”, but then I thought “Or it was just another failed attempt at gaining my dad’s approval.” Always sad with me. Can’t take me anywhere.
I am, again, or perhaps consistently, not doing well. I feel like people are sick of me expressing that, well, believe me, I am sick of living it!
I’ve been quieter than I want to be and part of that is depression and isolation but part of it is recognizing my own toxicity in expressing my feelings.
In the program, they told us not to get explicit when bringing up “Target Behaviors”, which are negative coping mechanisms. Things like self harm, substance abuse, etc.
These things are triggering and I’m definitely guilty of triggering folks, for which I am deeply sorry.
So as I move forward, I’m trying to keep bringing up target behaviors in mind and do my best to express myself without triggering others.
I have been getting by these past few weeks on little or fractured sleep and erratic eating habits. My DBT therapist said I’m running on cortisol and adrenaline and to try Ensure in the mornings. I’ve taken to set daily reminders in my phone to remind me to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I initially thought to ask a friend to remind me but fairly soon after realized what a toll that would be on someone else. It’s perfectly fine and convenient to let my phone do that job but I think I’m just longing for someone to check in on me.
I feel like a lot of people don’t understand how genuinely difficult it is for a depressed person to reach out for help. We feel like a burden and any perceived rejection feels like confirmation of that as fact. My DBT therapist told me if an adult is mad at me, they will tell me so and if they don’t then that’s on them. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. It’s very logical thinking. The only problem is my brain is not behaving logically.
Still, the days grow steadily better. I don’t like telling people that because I believe they interpret that as “Oh, okay, you’re fine now!” Nope, no, feels like never.
Today I was extremely productive. I did three loads of laundry, a load of dry cleaning, ran and put away the dishwasher, prepared spinach, and did most of the caregiving for Nana.
Now that I’m back in the office much of the time, I don’t see her as frequently. I’m out the door pretty much when I get up and when I return, she’s mostly asleep. I miss her. And recently she’s been falling asleep so much throughout the day and for the night super early, barely eating too. The signs are there. But they’ve been there before and she’s pulled through. I just don’t know how to prepare for heartbreak when I’ve been mentally broken for almost half a year.
Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Wouldn’t be the first time.
I’m handling everything but it’s hard. Story of my life.
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