I love Guys and Dolls. I have a whole backstory that I'm not going to share, but it was a very formative musical for me in high school. There was a time when I fancied myself playing Sarah Brown even though I'm not a true Soprano (how I thought I'd get through "I'll Know" is a a mystery). But I've always wanted to be part of it somehow.
A few years back, I heard talk that JGL and Channing Tatum would be starring in a reboot. Seeing as how I think they'd pass on me for the main Dolls in the show, I had the idea of doing a whole choreographed routine to Nicely Nicely's "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat" to audition for that part. Auditioning from a song from the show is such a no-no, but it's such a rousing number, I feel with the right energy and commitment, anyone could do a performance of it to knock some casting director's socks off, tradition be damned.
And now that I've put it out there, someone can go on and do it before me. Go ahead, steal my idea. Someone should do it. I just wish that someone was me.
But I'm not rocking the boat these days. I'm trying desperately to keep it afloat.
I am the primary caregiver to my grandmother with Lewy Body Dementia. I also work full time, sometimes 6 days a week.
I work with other family members, hospice nurses and aids, and caregivers from an agency, but a lot has fallen on me.
I grew up in San Francisco, but I had a brief stay in New York where I pursued a career in the arts. I was Communications Apprentice at The Lark, a now gone new play development center. It was an incredible time for me. A lot of new inspirations and experiences, as well as steep challenges to my living situation. After The Lark, I kind of waivered and decided being close to family was more important than chasing my dream in a ideal location.
Since moving back, I've attempted to join or create some groups and create theatre, but nothing's stuck. I am alone. I feel like I am always alone. At least the art was made though.
Now my days are filled with trying to get dinner on the tray by 3pm and doing laundry everyday on "Sanitize" (2 hours and 30 minutes) to get out the urine stains. I do it out of love but Nana can be cruel on bad days. She's incredibly appreciative on good days, but guess which stick with you?
Last week was bad. Mini Stroke on Monday, though not as bad as the one that made her bedridden in May. Still. Stressful. I had to take a day to rally, but the hits kept coming. A pube found in my take out tacos. A nasty burn from oil while cooking the roast it took me days to be emotionally able to make. It's still on me. I'm trying this new thing this year of only drinking 3 days a week and last week I drank 4 days. I'm keeping myself accountable with my therapist and I'm not too disappointed with myself but still.
I keep thinking that I can do better. That I'm better than this. Guess this is what getting B's in honors English will do to my self esteem. The constant worry that I'm only a B+ in life. Above average. That's my greatest concern. That I'm only above average in life.
But who's grading? If it's me, I'm of course hard on myself. Not a Broadway star. No hit plays or films written yet. Can't play a single song on my guitar (well).
But I'm here when it counts. I'm supporting my family in ways they need help with while they support me. I'm here for my grandfather (Papa). I'm here for my mother, despite being driven to madness by her. So, I guess, not so suddenly, I've known when my love came along.
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