I don’t take very good care of myself. I look after others, but I’ll skip a meal here or overload on caffeine there. It isn’t pretty. I neglect myself because I have a hard time loving myself. There’s a history and a why but all that matters is it needs to change.
This week was a mixed bag. I planned social engagements and tried eating at each meal time. But I’m still figuring out what I need from interactions and alone time. As an ambivert, I feel engaged and tired by both socializing and being alone. Like alcohol, I never know if I’ll feel pleasant or discontent. It must be my mindset but I’m not really sure.
For now, I’m happy I went out this week. It’s great seeing friends and catching up. It’s also really nice to be out of my house. I was just out and now I’m choosing to spend time alone in my room with a face mask and a favorite movie. After showering (with a hair wash), I put on fuzzy socks and a big sweater. This being alone is nice.
I’ll admit I feel a little down but I also feel comfortable. The pampering self care is helpful.
In my consultation with my new therapist, she asked me what I do as self care. I told her I get enough sleep, try to eat when I’m supposed to. She corrected that all of that is actually self maintenance. Self care feeds the soul. How do I do that? I write. Music, posts. I do tarot. I could read. I don’t, but I could. It’s a cycle. I don’t feel good enough to read but reading would help me feel better. I’ll be back someday.
As of now, I’m watching the dress montage in 27 Dresses. I love certain selected works of Aline Brosh McKenna. She wrote the screenplay for The Devil Wears Prada (another favorite) and is the co-creator of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I enjoyed her other working girl film, Morning Glory, but not as much and it’s not without faults.
I’d love a body of work like hers or Mindy Kaling’s or Nora Ephron’s or Shonda Rhimes’s. For now I sit on top of my small pile of unfinished projects which have barely debuted in the world if at all.
But even if I don’t love myself, I believe in myself. I will get my work out into the world someday. I will complete these projects and find my path. I will. By then maybe I’ll have figured out self-acceptance and love. One thing at a time.
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