It’s been awhile since an update.
The program is very helpful. Most of the counselors and instructors are very professional and aid in our learning of the DBT material. The peer group has been so supportive and I’ve felt better than I have in a long time being in their company.
A few weeks ago it was brought to my attention I have been taking Latuda incorrectly. You need to take it while eating a 350 calorie meal. The only trouble is, it can make you drowsy. Because of this fact, I had been taking it at 10pm. Only thing is, I thought all I needed to do was be full or have a light snack to take it. Not so. It doesn’t absorb otherwise. Oops.
This is why I was on a ridiculously high dose for so long. It was so high a psychiatrist office I called refused to treat me unless I went lower (I declined).
But now that I take it correctly, it is kicking my ass. I take it with 7pm dinner and I need to go to sleep at 8:30pm or even 8pm. My doctor has decreased the dose but still this is the case every night. Her idea is that I go off it completely and to be honest I can’t wait. I would love to go back to my regular sleep schedule.
But today I was so irritable and worried about the weaning off Latuda. It’s supposed to treat bipolar depression, but I’m not sure what else it may have been covering.
It’s so uncertain. This one medicine that at one point in time was saving me now is harmful. And I can’t tell if I really was under its influence since I was improperly taking it for so long. I’m trying my best to take it one step at a time and be open to change. Scary stuff to do. But I’m trying.
It’s been a roller coaster couple of days. Roe. Pride. Getting back into caregiving. Been up since 4:50am, began the caregiving soon after that, only getting a short break to run errands and talk to a friend from a caregiver support group. Just about ten hours total and there was a layer of sadness over it. Mostly pleasant morning, but as the day grew on, I felt a longing for community and a helplessness over the overturning of our rights (but a resolve not to give up). I was lucky enough to be in one of my communities yesterday. I attended the gathering before Trans March and it was so lovely. People being their true authentic selves and being in the presence of and directly supporting their community. It was truly a beautiful thing to be part of.
I missed that community today. If I’m honest, Pride still doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. I’ve been out only a few years and internal biphobia makes me feel like I need to keep to myself. That the celebration doesn’t include me. But Pride is for all of us. I have a right to be seen as much as any other queer person. Maybe I need to volunteer, really immerse myself in the causes that I value. If I only made the time.
If today’s twelve hour day taught me anything, is time is sacred and short and, for now, not all mine. But if being in the program has taught me anything, I need to start making real time for me if I’m ever going to maintain a healthy life.
I’m going to try to do it. One step at a time.
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