Today, I did none of the things I had sorta planned to do.
I was going to make Chrissy Teigen’s Quiche Lorraine Baguette again for breakfast.
I was going to wake up at 3am to do another All 8 Harry Potter Movies Marathon for the third time in my life.
That was it. No real big plans.
No, instead I got up at 7am, meditated, put on my new silk robe over my new silk pjs and grabbed my Carly Sleigh Jepsen red Christmas sweater and made it to my grandmother’s bedroom.
She was asleep, surprising since she usually wakes at 6am (or hours earlier), but today, her day started at 7:28am.
My grandfather was already sitting in her room in the dark trying to find something to watch on TV. He landed on White Christmas. He soon left and I stayed with her all day.
First I changed her (hence the CRJ sweater to cover/protect the silk pjs), then nebulizer, then pills. If I’m with her all day, it’s a constant cycle of pills, nebulizer, and food and drink. It was pizza for breakfast and I soon changed the programming to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (discs as I recently realized any streaming or cable watching of HP puts money in JKR’s pockets which I refuse to do).
We watched through Goblet of Fire and then I put on the Girls for her. Nana asked me if Rory and Lorelai missed her. We laughed.
But I did it all on my own. Changed her 4 times today by myself (on the fifth time, she thought she peed but the diaper was clean when I checked). I fed her and my grandfather for all the meals, including giving them dessert. I did two long loads of laundry. I checked on my grandfather, feeling guilty I wasn’t spending time with him but it did mean he could watch his basketball games without me changing the channel on him so I guess it’s a mixed blessing.
And I felt sick for part of the day. My body hates me because I don’t take good care of her.
Now, I’m not paying attention as Sleepless in Seattle plays, hand clutching my third alcoholic drink, this one just a brandy on the rocks with lime juice squeezed in, wondering if I’ll ever turn my writing into Nora Ephron worthy work.
Life is hard but I’m trying. This is a hard, sad time of year but I’m trying to move past the second guessing, failed social interactions, the loneliness of the day. It’ll all move on. I’ll move on. People care about me even if I feel utterly alone. Some might not have the words, others maybe don’t have the time but it’s fact that people care despite what my mind says.
I care so much so that I wish I didn’t. I wish I could pause my mind. Maybe that’s what meditation is for. A friend gifted me a mindfulness challenge recently. It’s a 30 day challenge and I plan to start next month. I can’t wait to be more into the DBT therapy. I think it’s helping me and I could really use a period of my life where I feel better overall.
I’m sad but I’m strong. I’m with my grandfather now who I love so I’m not alone. It’ll be okay. (Deep breath.) It’ll be okay.
We’ll all be okay. Take care, gentle reader.
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