I am experiencing a manic episode. It has not been this bad since I had some before I was on medication. I'm still adjusting medications and have to remind myself this process can take a lot of time. I also have to remember this is not my fault though I keep trying to find reasons to blame myself.
For those unfamiliar with mania, allow me to relate my own experience. It may not be textbook, but no one is identical and this is how I've reacted to what's happened to me and my body.
When it’s winding down, mania makes your insides feel like you’ve drank car gasoline. It feels hot and toxic. It feels like death is approaching. Imminent.
When in a manic cleaning frenzy, I feel like I need to make everything just so and then things will feel all right. Once a task is completed, there is a short lived moment of peace and then on to the next effort.
There is a solemn clarity in achieving the tasks but not in rest. Rest is where I break down, where the pains seep into my body and mind and I begin feeling uncomfortable with myself, my actions, and my entire being. I am uncontrollable and wrong. There is no peace. Only fractured existence.
How I've experienced them, a manic episode will not last more than a week but that's still plenty of time to drain me and disappoint people (even if that's just my perception of the situation).
There's so much temptation to act on impulse that I'm afraid neurotypical folks would not understand and judge me for how I react. I am trying my best. I am trying not to give in but it can make so much sense to in my mind when I do. I don't often see the other side until after I make a choice that it would be hard to go back from.
It's been so long since I've had it this rough. It feels foreign to cope with this as an adult. Doctors and therapists have been contacted. Appointments have been made and seen. I just wish I had an easy fix. That this wasn't a process that took so long. I wish that about a lot of things.
But just like this wilting rose, I can still show resilience despite the pain. The little, old rose inspires beauty despite the battle with time and, maybe, so can I.
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