Right now, I’m at a local bar trying to find myself between sips. It’s something I did in New York, only then I would go to bars to eat, drink, listen to my own music, and cry. No one ever intervened. And I don’t think I wanted them to. Let me process myself in private in public in peace.
I don’t think I’m doing that now. I needed to get out. It’s been a day of long cooking and frustrations. As I’m learning in therapy, I hope I’m not at the bar as a “coping mechanism” but rather to “enjoy” myself. I’m just so burnt out.
I woke up at 6am to make the Brisket I had planned to make on Friday. Only I couldn’t physically do it until today. Burnout. But today I did it and it was no big deal.
I dealt with inadequate health care workers all day (except for one. She is a blessing.) and it was no big deal.
Nothing is a big deal because I should be able to handle ANYTHING life throws at me. At least, that’s what my brain tells me.
I fed her. I gave her ice cream. I spent my lunch with her. I give so much and yet still she needs more. It’s no one’s fault. It just is.
I don’t know what I need. More “me time”? I did stuff for me today. I recently contacted a mentor and signed up for the musical theatre royalties site she recommended. One step closer to getting my musical(s) out there.
But I don’t know how to relax. I can’t sit still. I am constantly working.
But, maybe, in a sad way, this is my relaxing. Going out to a bar where no one will bother me unless it’s to ask me what I need. I don’t know what I need.
I didn’t cry alone in a bar tonight. And, maybe, just maybe, that’s my progress.
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