When I was in undergrad, I was involved in a really abusive relationship. He was awful to me and I did really terrible things to him. No one got away unscathed and we wouldn’t let each other go.
I find now that I’m still coping with some of the fights we went through. In one, he told me he didn’t want to have kids with me because “I don’t want them to have what you have.” What we were doing talking about having kids when we couldn’t stay together longer than three months at a time, I’ll never know.
I immediately went to the defensive. “Well, I don’t really know if I want to have kids.” That sentence would come to shape how I identified with children for a decade. I have said to myself “I don’t really like kids”, “Kids never liked me, even when I was a kid”, “I get along with adults better”, when really it’s a lot easier letting something go than to be denied something or even have it taken away. If my partner doesn’t like my behavior, he can take my hypothetical child away because I’m mentally ill, I’ve worried. I’ve dealt with so much pain in my life but I’ve never went through that kind of heartbreak.
The truth is this conversation changed me. I chose to give up a dream I never gave myself the option to have. This man who said he loved me told me I wasn’t good enough, I would be forever unlovable and unable to have a family with children in his opinion. And I actually called his reaction fair! I was so young and I think my gut reaction to abuse is “Oh, I deserve this.” I’m trying to change my mind. I’m trying.
The truth is he didn’t love me and I have spent ten years trying to heal and be trusting when I’m not. I don’t trust anyone to love me romantically or think anyone could have interest in me except to use me. This boyfriend isn’t the only one who taught me so. My father educated me on this long before. Now I have to do the hard work of unlearning this toxic thinking I internalized from an abusive man years before. Fun.
The truth is I don’t know what I want because I haven’t given myself a chance. But I’m giving it to me now. Being open to choice and imagining a future with anyone who loves me and treats me well. It hasn’t happened yet but here’s hoping.
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