Have Yourself a Very Merry Holiday

Not a particularly striking day. Got work done, skipped breakfast, did my usual routine.

But the caregiver didn’t come today. Family emergency. Meant I had to do Nana’s laundry, made sure she received her morning meds, and kept her fed during the daytime, in addition to the rest of day’s tasks. It was manageable but it really is nice having the caregiver there to see that some of these things are accomplished.

I’m feeling more genuine affection for her again. Maybe it’s time or the kindness she’s shown recently. I wonder when she’ll lash out at me again and when I’ll just have to take it. But for now I’m back to feeling loving towards her again. It helps to hold onto that care. Makes the work more bearable.

I recently put her to sleep and now it’s our time. We’re using tonight to do a mini Christmas break. Eggnog cookies, toy chest sour candy, cinnamon hot chocolate bomb, and The Holiday before it’s off Netflix. I’ve already seen it three or four times this month. Honestly, I would love to be at EITHER Kate Winslet or Cameron Diaz’s homes in that movie. I could really use a holiday but to be even more honest I have like zero money for travel, let alone international travel. Maybe someday I’ll see England. Or Ireland. I really want to go to the Guinness factory. I hear the stout is different in the UK. I’ve been to the Sam Adams factory in Boston and that was really fun. Being somewhere new in December seems like a dream, but could you imagine me doing a house exchange? “Please enjoy your stay at my cozy home. We’ll exchange keys, cars, and responsibilities, where you’ll only be expected to care for a terminal 88 year old woman with Lewy Body Dementia. She may turn on you, but at least she won’t remember you the next day.” It’s a life I’m just not living. The freedom these women have to uproot their lives even for a short time. It’s impressive.

I don’t want the Jude Law or Jack Black of it all either. I have pretty much given up on romance. I JUST WANT A BATHTUB EVEN KATE’S ODDLY SHAPED ONE! I NEED TO SOAK PEOPLE! And the thing is you might say “Gillian, just rent a hotel room,” but to that I tell you, HOTELS ONLY HAVE SHOWER STALLS NOW. The entire hospitality industry is against me.

The truth is my dreams are bigger than what this life holds. I want to travel, live, and shine. But that’s not what’s in store for right now. A lot of people don’t understand my choice but that doesn’t matter. What matters is I don’t lose sight of what matters to me: family and goals. I can work on both.