Happy Lunar New Year!
I took the day off this year and I’m pretty glad I did. I got to go on errands and cook early. All in all a success. Or so it would seem.
I went to the bank for fresh bills for my red envelope for the little in my life. I had come to the bank looking for new bills in the past and it went pretty badly. The white teller acted as if it was the strangest thing to ask for a new bill. She made me feel like I was doing something wrong and inconveniencing even though it’s a part of my culture. I didn’t get the clean, new bill. Today’s journey happened to be on the holiday so this teller may have expected my question when I asked for crisp bills. Today’s teller told me “We didn’t get any new bills this year but let me find you a clean one.” I thanked her for her help while wondering if I would have had less trouble if I looked more Asian. I fear they’re saving the new bills for the “real” Asians.
I’ve wanted to look more Asian my whole life. To look like I belong to my family. Like they belong to me. To not be specifically told I don’t belong.
But so many have told me what a blessing it must be to look more white or ethnically ambiguous. (Also the name of a fabulous podcast, but I digress.) It absolutely must come with privileges, but there’s still a cost too.
Today I made dinner for Lunar New Year. This included guy lan and vegetable fried rice as well as Ling Ling potstickers and some Asian food from Trader Joe’s. No joke, the TJ broccoli beef is more work than the dishes from scratch. A fine, though not authentic, Asian meal. But that lack of authenticity kills me. Kills me even more that I don’t enjoy the traditional food. It’s like “You may not look Asian so you could at least like the food. Not the white washed food.” There’s this burning need to prove my “Chineseness”. Don’t have the look. Don’t have the food either.
This weekend I took part of a queer mixed race and transracial (adoptees who’s adoptive parents are not the same race) support group Zoom meeting. At one point, the discussion took to food and how much it can bring you to your culture. I was reminded how I don’t have that connection and how one ex-friend who was full Asian told me I was stupid for eating just rice and soy sauce, even though that’s what I grew up doing. A facet of my particular background. But being yourself will never be good enough for some people.
You live your life striving for authenticity but for a mixed race person you are told from so many sides how you may never belong to any identity. So you have to find your own. Embrace all of you, including the hidden to the causal observer. No one knows you better than you. Let the haters hate because you don’t need them to shine.
Have a happy new year in this beautiful year of the tiger. May you find peace and prosperity, whoever you are.
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