TW: Death
It’s been a couple weeks now that my grandmother passed away. I feel very moved by the level of support my community has offered me. Thank you.
The day after it happened, I saw my psychiatrist and she went over the five stages of grief, which she told me could happen in any order and occur any amount of times. Grief is not linear.
Denial
I was in denial most of the final weeks. She’s had so many close calls. How could we know this was the end until…the end?
I don’t always retain she’s gone. I’ll be going about my day and have a random thought and think suddenly “Oh, she’s dead.” It’s not as upsetting as you might think. It can feel like just a fact.
I’ve dealt with loss before, with deaths of friends and family members, but this feels different. In the past, I’ll cling to the denial where my mind attaches to the idea that “I’m just not seeing them.” We’d gone to different schools or lived in different states so I’m not seeing them, but they’re there. Maybe that’s the feeling that loved ones don’t leave us or maybe I’ve never gotten over the denial stage.
That’s not the case for Nana. I feel the emptiness of her spaces. My mental state is fatigued and my body begs me to stay in caregiver mode.
Anger
The anger I feel doesn’t seem all that different than the anger I have no felt all my life. Hardships keep happening, but one of my key protectors is gone. She’s been at low capacity for years, but now she’s nowhere to be found. Anger is rooted in sadness.
Bargaining
My doctor had to explain Bargaining to me and apparently I had already begun doing it before we spoke.
I kept thinking if I had just done more, given her more of my time and focus, could she have been more comfortable, more at ease at the end? I felt like I had abandoned her the past several months. The evidence was in my pictures. I hardly had any of Nana this year, my albums were so full of personal events that had nothing to do with her. One of my therapists told me I sounded guilty. And I was. I can be.
But this stage is not logical. I’d given her years of my time, labor, and love. A good few sleepless nights that last month. I never gave up on her. I was there when she needed me, even if my efforts don’t feel good enough. Nothing is enough for a caregiver because, as someone told me, the end is not the cure.
Depression
Ahahahahahaha. This is my baseline. Though to be fair, it’s still kicking my butt with now more physical side effect coupled with debilitating anxiety. I have a team of doctors working with me to regulate my disrupted sleep, fractured eating, and daily anxiety/panic attacks. Medications are helping and I am very thankful for my team.
Acceptance
Those moments I think “She’s dead” and don’t shed a tear feel like acceptance. They’re small but happen over and over again, like, for now and JUST now, I know the truth and it doesn’t haunt me.
“This is very normal.”
A new normal is emerging. I’m hopeful I can make positive changes and continue on a path of growth. I have broken myself devoting my life to someone else. I can finally get some control back over my life, my path. And maybe I can do so without letting guilt create a shadow over my accomplishments. I will achieve any of my goals BECAUSE of who I became caring for her.
Goodbye, Nana. Where you lead, I will follow…with love.
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