Our household has been through it once again. Yesterday was a mess. Yelling for over an hour. Multiple attempts to get out of bed when that’s not a realistic possibility. Just impossible to deal with until enough time had passed and she calmed down. Can listen to reason. It’s too late though. She’s done enough so she’ll need morphine.
Today it was on me again. No caregiver in the morning but she was pleasant. Changed her diaper for the only time today (no pee for the whole day) and then went to work. At lunch, I showered, cleaned the toilets, got her some snacks, and fed the house including me. I almost didn’t eat, fueled off the power of a Red Bull, coffee, and Coke. But I know that food is good so ate I did.
Near the end of the work day, she broke out in pain. Chest pain. Morphine time. I sent a picture to the nurse and she said full dose. I sat with her a bit and she was so thankful to me. “Thank you for your patience,” she said. I feel very unmoved by it. Is it really her? Is she trying to manipulate me? Does she regret her tantrums? It doesn’t matter but I hold her hand and tell her it’ll be okay.
But all I was trying to do today, all the work accomplished and meal and bedtimes met, it was all to start Marvel’s Avenger’s Endgame before 7pm on a weeknight. I’ve been watching the MCU since September and we’ve finally reached Endgame. Mom and I have seen them all but Papa hasn’t and it has been a thrill watching him watch and make puns. I’m hoping to show him Shang-Chi before Christmas.
We did it though. I did it. Started at 6:50pm. Just like I finally cleaned the toilets. Just like I did her laundry today for the umpteenth time. Like I made sure I got meals for everyone in my house every meal time. I get shit done. But will I do the same for me?
I have meditation homework. I keep forgetting then remembering then doing. It’s so against my nature but even I have to admit it helps.
For now I’ll just enjoy the Jeni’s ice cream I popped open even though I was saving it for New Year’s. It’s okay. I’ll save the holiday flavors for then. I needed something nice today as the days have not been nice to me recently.
In the depths of her pain, she talked of not making it to Christmas. I told her she’s not dying. Sometimes it feels that though she’s in the process of dying, she’ll never die. We’ll constantly be stuck in this state of helplessness and woe. But life doesn’t work like that. Everything passes. Everything. And we don’t know how much time we have. I wonder how much I can value when she attacks me, when she shrivels in pain, when she’s fine. (Breaths in.) We just have to accept the circumstance, hope for better days, and brace ourselves for the worst.
That’s our endgame.
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