Today she called for me in the morning while I was in the middle of getting ready to go into work. She wanted to talk to me about what’s been going on the past couple days. The people she’s been seeing and the room she’s in. She said she didn’t recognize me on the stairs even though she called for me. She said she barely understood her surroundings. She recalled three shelves but the rest confused her. She seemed really concerned and upset.
I briefly debated not going in but there were some important things I needed to get done and I’m unable to go next Sunday so I left. Without eating. Consoling her stole my breakfast time, and I stayed longer than usual in the office, so I was without solid food until 1pm. Felt the start of a migraine but it’s fading with popcorn and Red Bull. It’s all my own fault. I don’t meal plan breakfast and I didn’t shop for a lunch to bring with me. Luckily we had some Costco tacos left from days before so I didn’t order anything when I got home. This might not seem like a big deal, but as someone who combats her depression with take out, it feels like a huge win to eat leftovers and feel good about the decision and not feel deprived.
When I got back to her, she was watching a Christmas movie. It ended as I entered the room and, when I presented options for her, she chose Gilmore Girls once again. She’s right in the middle of the show, starting off Season 4. She seems calm with it on. No more talks of feeling confused. Just contentment and laughs with her favorite show.
It’s incredible how much of my day is defined by how well she’s doing. Yesterday I got help most of the day and was able to see Eternals at Alamo Drafthouse. The experience was so nice. I had drinks and food from their special menu and I liked the film too. Alamo caters their premovie previews to that of the film they’re showing and this time they did a small feature on Jack Kirby. I’ve seen his name on so many MCU credits but I didn’t realize his influence. I appreciate the background Alamo provided. The day was a success, but it had to be preplanned in order for it to happen. Nana’s spontaneous needs are not something you can plan for. I don’t know where I find the energy for it, but it was here the other day and here now.
Oh I guess the Red Bull would contribute to my energy today wouldn’t it? Who knows? For now *knocks on wood*, caffeine doesn’t always get to me in negative ways. I once drank coffee at 8:30pm and fell asleep by 10-11pm. Another time, I drank 5 (small!) pots of caffeinated tea and it really messed me up. I need to be careful, but for now I enjoy my Coke Zeroes at 4pm.
I just asked her how she’s doing and she goes “I’m fine. You think I’m not because I’m sitting here like a lump of shit!” She remarks she wants to sit in a chair. I tell her she needs to exercise to work her way up to that. She rebuffs me and continues to watch the life of Lorelai Gilmore. I think I’ll exercise her in a bit. She’s so far from being able to go into a chair right now but the movement should help her body and mind. The movement is probably good for my body and mind too. Funny how if I just take care of me, I can better take care of her. The cycle of caregiving is the cycle of life.
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