TW: Discussion of su*cidal ideation.
Next week, I’m trying something new. I’m getting a stronger dose of professional help.
April was really dark as some witnessed. My suicidal ideation had expanded way beyond a “comfortable” level and I was spiraling daily. The last week of April, I sobbed for at least five times a day for days. I was so angry. So lost.
My DBT therapist recommended an outpatient program. A pretty big commitment though they say you can still live your everyday life. You’re not staying at the facility, that’s inpatient. But it’s still an intensive for your mental health.
I was in a bind. Doing this meant admitting my condition at work. I can’t hide in plain sight anymore. I have to be honest about who I truly am and what I experience.
In no surprise to me, I’ve been met with much support but it’s still not easy. There have been a lot of administrative hurdles to get this process going. So much work goes into a step this big. Luckily so many people have aided me in this journey. Still the emotional toll for taking care of things is large. I’m so exhausted.
I’m overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I worry about getting everything accomplished in time. I feel apprehensive because this program is new to me and newness can be uncomfortable. I feel scared the program won’t work for me, that I’m beyond helping. I’m scared to try but I have to. I have to believe things will be better than they are.
I’ve burned for too long and too bright for so long. I need to reform and become someone stronger. This might help. I deserve help even if that feels foreign to admit.
I want to be okay. I hope one day, I will be.
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