I’m doing well.
After a brief Covid scare, I am fine and things are looking up.
I’ve got plenty to be thankful for. I just celebrated my three year anniversary at a job I love. My home is stocked with food and drink and care. I’m maintaining solid friendships and good communication with people I care about who also happen to care for me. And I started exercising again. Not just taking a walk and calling it physical movement (it is!), but taking the time to get dressed in clothes that can get sweaty and actually sweating a little.
Changes are still occurring but life goes on. The hospice nurse who’s been with us since the beginning of our hospice journey left the company and while it is very sad for us as she was an incredible nurse, we’ll make it work. The new nurse is different and I have already challenged her to advocate for Nana’s care, but it’s not a bad thing. We are polite and ultimately have the same goal. We each have essential knowledge that goes into Nana’s care.
Today at about 4:30pm she rang for me. She told me “I want to thank you for all that you’re doing.” She was so drowsy I put her to bed right then. She just roused for me to change her. I am getting quicker and better changing her alone. I can fit three non poop diapers and six chux (disposable pads that catch pee) in one trash bag. She’s hard to deal with but it’s been a good couple days.
When she’s like this, appreciative and a little out of it, I always wonder how much time I have left with her. This is no way to live and I’m very tired but part of me feels grateful she’s still here. I love her so much and I can’t imagine what it will feel like when she’s no longer here. I’ve lost people throughout my life but this feels like it’ll be the biggest loss to date. I may not have a father, but I have three parents I love who are getting older and I am running around ragged trying to keep them all healthy while simultaneously trying to live my early thirties life. It’s not easy.
Online dating is such a joke. I’m not matching often and when I do and can actually converse, it ends in nothing. I made one friend but we talk so sporadically. I’m fine with that but I feel like I’ll never find a partner. So few people actually get me and I wonder if the problem is me. Am I too demanding? Do I expect too much? Tonight I told a friend what friends in high school once said about me: “That’s the thing I love about Gillian, you either love her or you hate her. There is no in between.” I think I found the in between, they’re on the dating apps.
Besides, I think that statement was of a younger, more intense, less stable version of me. Therapy, medication, and age have definitely mellowed me but I can still be intense. Makes me wonder, did people dislike me or the bipolar? On the flip side, I have always been defensive of people learning I have bipolar disorder and thinking “Oh that’s why she’s like that.” Uh, no, I am like that because people are jerks! But in all seriousness, I can’t have it both ways. Or can I? Bipolar disorder is a part of me AND it is not all that I am. Both can be true. My world is full of bis. Bipolar. Biracial. Bisexual. My Tri Bi existence has made me who I am.
Complicated, but worthy of love.
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